It does because it has to. Time is the most constant system in the entire world. It just moves on and there is no way around that.
In all the hard moments of life, that thought comforts me the most. I might, in one moment, feel like my world is over and that I can't possibly move forward. But time will always tick on, and gently pick you up off the floor and nudge you in the right direction. It's like an invisible friend, always giving you a vote of confidence even when you can't find another reason to keep going.
Time is constant. Time is comfort.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Saturday, February 1, 2014
A bit later
It's been a month since I broke up with Kole, and two weeks since he broke onto my Facebook and told me to never speak to him again. I refer to it as "the breakup" and "the real breakup".
My emotions have been everywhere. Heartbreak. Indignation. Anger. Irritation. Loneliness. Regret. Doubt. But really, there isn't doubt and reminding myself of that is a daily thing. There was no doubt that we had to be apart. Of course, I wish it hadn't happened like this. And this wasn't about someone else, it wasn't about moving on to another. No, I'm moving on with myself, by myself, to improve myself. I've never given myself a chance to do that, really. It's not that I'm a serial dater, although this relationship lasted for a good part of my early adulthood, it's just that I've always been happy to rest on someone else for support. I never trained myself to be my own support, and I need to. It's during times like this that my own strength is tested. Am I as strong as I need to be now? No, probably not. But it improves every day.
I haven't had many moments of weakness in all of this. I haven't spoken to him or attempted to at all. In class I try not to look at him. Sometimes I look at photos of us, but with fondness and remembrance instead of bitterness and heartache. I don't know if he can say the same because of the circumstances but I hope one day he can. I hope he doesn't destroy and delete evidence of the days that we were happy, because we were. A lot of the time, we were. For some reason one of my greatest fears is that he'll destroy the South America picture book I made for him. I made it with such care and love. It took forever to make, and my copy means the world to me. I wouldn't trade that experience with him for anything.
The one thing that really bothers me with this is the rejection from his friends/family. It's so irrational because I've NEVER liked his friends and I was apathetic about his family. His brother is a great person, but we never had an amazing relationship or hung out much. Not having these people in my life is barely registering on my radar, and yet it bugs me. I don't know, I think I just care too much what other people think of me. This happened with an old group of friends too, even though at the time Kole and I had been disassociating ourselves from them for about a year. You'd think I could learn to be better prepared when I see these things coming. Apparently not. It's this great cull of people who were there as a comfortable cushion. None of them meant much to me, but they were consistently there. It's good to be put out of that, because my friend group is as tight and strong as its ever been and I love it. No one is there to make me doubt myself, no one is there to put me down. They're capable of being firm, honest and loving all at once. No jealousy, resentment or gas lighting. I'm as supported as I've ever been and it feels nice, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm purging myself of the toxicity that ruled me for years.
That said, I do miss Kole. Of course. There are tons of things I ache for. His warm and familiar hand in mine, his tousled hair as he sleeps, back rubs, watching "our shows", talking about hockey, all the laughter and insanity. Our love. But familiarity and comfort isn't always synonymous with happiness and contentment. My heart longs to make connections with people I've never even met. The reason this has even happened is because I know that I need to close a door on a relationship that's been lingering in the background for 5 years. I can't move forward without figuring it out. It's just how I am. I couldn't have kept going like this for much longer, knowing that this needed to be dealt with.
I don't know, I guess I just hope that at the end of this, if there is an end, there's forgiveness waiting. I have hope that we can forgive and finally end on a really good note of love, friendship and compassion.
My emotions have been everywhere. Heartbreak. Indignation. Anger. Irritation. Loneliness. Regret. Doubt. But really, there isn't doubt and reminding myself of that is a daily thing. There was no doubt that we had to be apart. Of course, I wish it hadn't happened like this. And this wasn't about someone else, it wasn't about moving on to another. No, I'm moving on with myself, by myself, to improve myself. I've never given myself a chance to do that, really. It's not that I'm a serial dater, although this relationship lasted for a good part of my early adulthood, it's just that I've always been happy to rest on someone else for support. I never trained myself to be my own support, and I need to. It's during times like this that my own strength is tested. Am I as strong as I need to be now? No, probably not. But it improves every day.
I haven't had many moments of weakness in all of this. I haven't spoken to him or attempted to at all. In class I try not to look at him. Sometimes I look at photos of us, but with fondness and remembrance instead of bitterness and heartache. I don't know if he can say the same because of the circumstances but I hope one day he can. I hope he doesn't destroy and delete evidence of the days that we were happy, because we were. A lot of the time, we were. For some reason one of my greatest fears is that he'll destroy the South America picture book I made for him. I made it with such care and love. It took forever to make, and my copy means the world to me. I wouldn't trade that experience with him for anything.
The one thing that really bothers me with this is the rejection from his friends/family. It's so irrational because I've NEVER liked his friends and I was apathetic about his family. His brother is a great person, but we never had an amazing relationship or hung out much. Not having these people in my life is barely registering on my radar, and yet it bugs me. I don't know, I think I just care too much what other people think of me. This happened with an old group of friends too, even though at the time Kole and I had been disassociating ourselves from them for about a year. You'd think I could learn to be better prepared when I see these things coming. Apparently not. It's this great cull of people who were there as a comfortable cushion. None of them meant much to me, but they were consistently there. It's good to be put out of that, because my friend group is as tight and strong as its ever been and I love it. No one is there to make me doubt myself, no one is there to put me down. They're capable of being firm, honest and loving all at once. No jealousy, resentment or gas lighting. I'm as supported as I've ever been and it feels nice, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm purging myself of the toxicity that ruled me for years.
That said, I do miss Kole. Of course. There are tons of things I ache for. His warm and familiar hand in mine, his tousled hair as he sleeps, back rubs, watching "our shows", talking about hockey, all the laughter and insanity. Our love. But familiarity and comfort isn't always synonymous with happiness and contentment. My heart longs to make connections with people I've never even met. The reason this has even happened is because I know that I need to close a door on a relationship that's been lingering in the background for 5 years. I can't move forward without figuring it out. It's just how I am. I couldn't have kept going like this for much longer, knowing that this needed to be dealt with.
I don't know, I guess I just hope that at the end of this, if there is an end, there's forgiveness waiting. I have hope that we can forgive and finally end on a really good note of love, friendship and compassion.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
On finally doing it...
I finally broke up with Kole.
It was such a long time coming. I think after he emotionally betrayed me two years ago I never went back to thinking we were going to be together forever. Every day was a countdown of sorts. "Is this the day? No. Will it be tomorrow?" And we were happy, truly, for the most part. Well, as happy as you can be just going through the comfort of everyday events. Not that that's bad, but is falling into a deep rut GOOD or just passable?
Not to be mistaken, though. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. Him breaking into my personal messages and finding out about B coming to visit didn't make that any easier. He told me to fuck off, never speak to him again, that he hated me, that he wished he'd never met me. And here I was, thinking that I was doing the right thing by breaking up with him before I was overcome with temptation and had something to REALLY regret. I do regret carrying on an emotionally charged relationship for two months before I properly broke up with him. It was wrong, I was a coward. I was confused and had no idea what to do, torn between my love and best friend and a world of new adventures with someone who has never, ever left my mind. And like I said in my first post, I miss the girl that I was when I took these chances. But fuck, does this hurt. The sudden loss of communication with someone who was my rock, my steadiest companion and the source of comfort for three years is gone. Just like that. And I am not invited to speak to him ever again. It's just...over. It feels like a death. Luckily he's still alive but he is just not a part of my life that I can ever return to, even if I wanted to. I never thought that would be the case with us. Ever.
I am trying to remember that this will take time. I have to grieve, but I have to move forward every day. He will be okay, as will I. Maybe one day he will let me apologize for doing him wrong and maybe one day we can both admit that we brought this down on ourselves, a long time ago. And I'm trying to remember that in a lot of ways we were NOT compatible. I am going to make a list to refer back to.
1. He lied, a lot. Like, about all kinds of things that were so inane and baffling that sometimes I would just laugh instead of making it an issue. His brother did the same, and usually they did it, knowingly, together. He also lied about really big stuff, which happened early on and damaged our relationship in a pretty adolescent stage.
2. I couldn't see myself marrying him. I don't even know if I want to get married, but I guess that's a good benchmark? Since it's supposed to be forever and everything. I guess in general I could see us together in the future, but I was pretty damn shaky on the details.
3. He smoked so much that he smelled awful, and his skin and teeth were showing signs of it. Gross.
4. He doesn't have a steady family for support. I do not begrudge him of this, as he has a very tragic past and has lost family members in awful ways. The "family" (ANOTHER HUGE LIE) he does have is a bit brash and defensive and I really couldn't see them in my future either. Very nice people, though.
5. Our problems became greater and he stopped caring more as the months went by. He went from being very supportive to completely blowing me off and telling me terrible things when he was mad, only to apologize later. I know that I probably pushed his limits in the early days, but I learned quickly and he was just unnecessarily harsh near the end. It stung, and I spent a lot of time crying in bed, alone.
6. He was jealous and hid it well. Just kind of creepy in hindsight.
I am going to add to this. Just need to say, that one day I will look back at this and be at peace, and I can't wait for that day. I am so hurt right now, so torn, so emotional. It's hard to see past all of this to whatever waits ahead. It's just unfathomable. Everyone says it takes time and I just can't wait for time to pass.
It was such a long time coming. I think after he emotionally betrayed me two years ago I never went back to thinking we were going to be together forever. Every day was a countdown of sorts. "Is this the day? No. Will it be tomorrow?" And we were happy, truly, for the most part. Well, as happy as you can be just going through the comfort of everyday events. Not that that's bad, but is falling into a deep rut GOOD or just passable?
Not to be mistaken, though. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. Him breaking into my personal messages and finding out about B coming to visit didn't make that any easier. He told me to fuck off, never speak to him again, that he hated me, that he wished he'd never met me. And here I was, thinking that I was doing the right thing by breaking up with him before I was overcome with temptation and had something to REALLY regret. I do regret carrying on an emotionally charged relationship for two months before I properly broke up with him. It was wrong, I was a coward. I was confused and had no idea what to do, torn between my love and best friend and a world of new adventures with someone who has never, ever left my mind. And like I said in my first post, I miss the girl that I was when I took these chances. But fuck, does this hurt. The sudden loss of communication with someone who was my rock, my steadiest companion and the source of comfort for three years is gone. Just like that. And I am not invited to speak to him ever again. It's just...over. It feels like a death. Luckily he's still alive but he is just not a part of my life that I can ever return to, even if I wanted to. I never thought that would be the case with us. Ever.
I am trying to remember that this will take time. I have to grieve, but I have to move forward every day. He will be okay, as will I. Maybe one day he will let me apologize for doing him wrong and maybe one day we can both admit that we brought this down on ourselves, a long time ago. And I'm trying to remember that in a lot of ways we were NOT compatible. I am going to make a list to refer back to.
1. He lied, a lot. Like, about all kinds of things that were so inane and baffling that sometimes I would just laugh instead of making it an issue. His brother did the same, and usually they did it, knowingly, together. He also lied about really big stuff, which happened early on and damaged our relationship in a pretty adolescent stage.
2. I couldn't see myself marrying him. I don't even know if I want to get married, but I guess that's a good benchmark? Since it's supposed to be forever and everything. I guess in general I could see us together in the future, but I was pretty damn shaky on the details.
3. He smoked so much that he smelled awful, and his skin and teeth were showing signs of it. Gross.
4. He doesn't have a steady family for support. I do not begrudge him of this, as he has a very tragic past and has lost family members in awful ways. The "family" (ANOTHER HUGE LIE) he does have is a bit brash and defensive and I really couldn't see them in my future either. Very nice people, though.
5. Our problems became greater and he stopped caring more as the months went by. He went from being very supportive to completely blowing me off and telling me terrible things when he was mad, only to apologize later. I know that I probably pushed his limits in the early days, but I learned quickly and he was just unnecessarily harsh near the end. It stung, and I spent a lot of time crying in bed, alone.
6. He was jealous and hid it well. Just kind of creepy in hindsight.
I am going to add to this. Just need to say, that one day I will look back at this and be at peace, and I can't wait for that day. I am so hurt right now, so torn, so emotional. It's hard to see past all of this to whatever waits ahead. It's just unfathomable. Everyone says it takes time and I just can't wait for time to pass.
Sunday, November 24, 2013
On loyalty
I've been noticing something lately that's not sitting well with me.
The idea and execution of loyalty as a virtue.
Loyalty is not dismissing bad behavior. It's not vehemently defending someone when they've done something blatantly wrong.
Loyalty is standing by someone despite their wrongs, but also letting them know that what they've done or what they are doing is unacceptable, if necessary.
There are so many people willing to dismiss things because it's a friend or family member doing it. I believe that this, above many other things, is one of the biggest disservices you can do to someone you love. Letting people get away with shitty things makes you, and them, shitty people.
In the end, defending someone despite their wrongdoings is creating, molding and enforcing a crappy, wholly unlikable person in both you and them. If this person simply can't accept criticism then they need therapy, not your unending enforcement of bad behavior.
The idea and execution of loyalty as a virtue.
Loyalty is not dismissing bad behavior. It's not vehemently defending someone when they've done something blatantly wrong.
Loyalty is standing by someone despite their wrongs, but also letting them know that what they've done or what they are doing is unacceptable, if necessary.
There are so many people willing to dismiss things because it's a friend or family member doing it. I believe that this, above many other things, is one of the biggest disservices you can do to someone you love. Letting people get away with shitty things makes you, and them, shitty people.
In the end, defending someone despite their wrongdoings is creating, molding and enforcing a crappy, wholly unlikable person in both you and them. If this person simply can't accept criticism then they need therapy, not your unending enforcement of bad behavior.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Back on my old stomping ground..
I'm back on blogspot. At the age of 23, I can't say I really thought I would be - this is the place where I spilled out my heart's deepest longings and secrets for years when I was just a kid (err, teenager...young adult...whatever). Is blogspot even still a thing? What are people using now?
Anyway, reading my past entries about boys and poetry is....well it's cringeworthy in a lot of aspects (a LOT...like facepalm cringeworthy) but I'm also slightly impressed by my old self. I was honest, sweet and dreadfully self-aware. I kind of miss that. I miss my written voice, and I miss the therapy it provided. I've been floating around with nothing tethering me down for a few years, pretending like I know what the fuck I'm doing, and I'm starting to really feel how negative that is. Writing has always been something I do but never excel at in any spectacular way, but I suppose that doesn't need to stop me from doing it.
I can't believe the things I've written here compared to who I am now. It's like my life went from being fascinating, exciting and heartbreaking (in the most wonderful way) to absolutely...nothing. No satisfaction from anywhere. I know life can't always be that way, but I wonder where my feisty spirit and sense of adventure went. I wonder where all these boys I thought I was going to marry went? Ha!
I left myself some words of wisdom when I was 18 years old, five entire years ago. They're so relevant today, somehow my younger self knew something my older self has already forgotten: "Don't waste your time with certain people. They don't need to be in your life if they don't want to be. Let them go and tell them "good riddance" on their way out. Then, FORGET. Don't dwell. Don't wish. Because when it's right nothing will need to be said or thought about."
I'll leave it there for now. But I'll be back, ohhh I'll be back. There is so much I have to get out. It's all pent up and threatening to explode disastrously if I don't. So I will.
Anyway, reading my past entries about boys and poetry is....well it's cringeworthy in a lot of aspects (a LOT...like facepalm cringeworthy) but I'm also slightly impressed by my old self. I was honest, sweet and dreadfully self-aware. I kind of miss that. I miss my written voice, and I miss the therapy it provided. I've been floating around with nothing tethering me down for a few years, pretending like I know what the fuck I'm doing, and I'm starting to really feel how negative that is. Writing has always been something I do but never excel at in any spectacular way, but I suppose that doesn't need to stop me from doing it.
I can't believe the things I've written here compared to who I am now. It's like my life went from being fascinating, exciting and heartbreaking (in the most wonderful way) to absolutely...nothing. No satisfaction from anywhere. I know life can't always be that way, but I wonder where my feisty spirit and sense of adventure went. I wonder where all these boys I thought I was going to marry went? Ha!
I left myself some words of wisdom when I was 18 years old, five entire years ago. They're so relevant today, somehow my younger self knew something my older self has already forgotten: "Don't waste your time with certain people. They don't need to be in your life if they don't want to be. Let them go and tell them "good riddance" on their way out. Then, FORGET. Don't dwell. Don't wish. Because when it's right nothing will need to be said or thought about."
I'll leave it there for now. But I'll be back, ohhh I'll be back. There is so much I have to get out. It's all pent up and threatening to explode disastrously if I don't. So I will.
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