I finally broke up with Kole.
It was such a long time coming. I think after he emotionally betrayed me two years ago I never went back to thinking we were going to be together forever. Every day was a countdown of sorts. "Is this the day? No. Will it be tomorrow?" And we were happy, truly, for the most part. Well, as happy as you can be just going through the comfort of everyday events. Not that that's bad, but is falling into a deep rut GOOD or just passable?
Not to be mistaken, though. This is one of the worst feelings in the world. Him breaking into my personal messages and finding out about B coming to visit didn't make that any easier. He told me to fuck off, never speak to him again, that he hated me, that he wished he'd never met me. And here I was, thinking that I was doing the right thing by breaking up with him before I was overcome with temptation and had something to REALLY regret. I do regret carrying on an emotionally charged relationship for two months before I properly broke up with him. It was wrong, I was a coward. I was confused and had no idea what to do, torn between my love and best friend and a world of new adventures with someone who has never, ever left my mind. And like I said in my first post, I miss the girl that I was when I took these chances. But fuck, does this hurt. The sudden loss of communication with someone who was my rock, my steadiest companion and the source of comfort for three years is gone. Just like that. And I am not invited to speak to him ever again. It's just...over. It feels like a death. Luckily he's still alive but he is just not a part of my life that I can ever return to, even if I wanted to. I never thought that would be the case with us. Ever.
I am trying to remember that this will take time. I have to grieve, but I have to move forward every day. He will be okay, as will I. Maybe one day he will let me apologize for doing him wrong and maybe one day we can both admit that we brought this down on ourselves, a long time ago. And I'm trying to remember that in a lot of ways we were NOT compatible. I am going to make a list to refer back to.
1. He lied, a lot. Like, about all kinds of things that were so inane and baffling that sometimes I would just laugh instead of making it an issue. His brother did the same, and usually they did it, knowingly, together. He also lied about really big stuff, which happened early on and damaged our relationship in a pretty adolescent stage.
2. I couldn't see myself marrying him. I don't even know if I want to get married, but I guess that's a good benchmark? Since it's supposed to be forever and everything. I guess in general I could see us together in the future, but I was pretty damn shaky on the details.
3. He smoked so much that he smelled awful, and his skin and teeth were showing signs of it. Gross.
4. He doesn't have a steady family for support. I do not begrudge him of this, as he has a very tragic past and has lost family members in awful ways. The "family" (ANOTHER HUGE LIE) he does have is a bit brash and defensive and I really couldn't see them in my future either. Very nice people, though.
5. Our problems became greater and he stopped caring more as the months went by. He went from being very supportive to completely blowing me off and telling me terrible things when he was mad, only to apologize later. I know that I probably pushed his limits in the early days, but I learned quickly and he was just unnecessarily harsh near the end. It stung, and I spent a lot of time crying in bed, alone.
6. He was jealous and hid it well. Just kind of creepy in hindsight.
I am going to add to this. Just need to say, that one day I will look back at this and be at peace, and I can't wait for that day. I am so hurt right now, so torn, so emotional. It's hard to see past all of this to whatever waits ahead. It's just unfathomable. Everyone says it takes time and I just can't wait for time to pass.
