A bit later

It's been a month since I broke up with Kole, and two weeks since he broke onto my Facebook and told me to never speak to him again. I refer to it as "the breakup" and "the real breakup".
My emotions have been everywhere. Heartbreak. Indignation. Anger. Irritation. Loneliness. Regret. Doubt. But really, there isn't doubt and reminding myself of that is a daily thing. There was no doubt that we had to be apart. Of course, I wish it hadn't happened like this. And this wasn't about someone else, it wasn't about moving on to another. No, I'm moving on with myself, by myself, to improve myself. I've never given myself a chance to do that, really. It's not that I'm a serial dater, although this relationship lasted for a good part of my early adulthood, it's just that I've always been happy to rest on someone else for support. I never trained myself to be my own support, and I need to. It's during times like this that my own strength is tested. Am I as strong as I need to be now? No, probably not. But it improves every day.
I haven't had many moments of weakness in all of this. I haven't spoken to him or attempted to at all. In class I try not to look at him. Sometimes I look at photos of us, but with fondness and remembrance instead of bitterness and heartache. I don't know if he can say the same because of the circumstances but I hope one day he can. I hope he doesn't destroy and delete evidence of the days that we were happy, because we were. A lot of the time, we were. For some reason one of my greatest fears is that he'll destroy the South America picture book I made for him. I made it with such care and love. It took forever to make, and my copy means the world to me. I wouldn't trade that experience with him for anything.
The one thing that really bothers me with this is the rejection from his friends/family. It's so irrational because I've NEVER liked his friends and I was apathetic about his family. His brother is a great person, but we never had an amazing relationship or hung out much. Not having these people in my life is barely registering on my radar, and yet it bugs me. I don't know, I think I just care too much what other people think of me. This happened with an old group of friends too, even though at the time Kole and I had been disassociating ourselves from them for about a year. You'd think I could learn to be better prepared when I see these things coming. Apparently not. It's this great cull of people who were there as a comfortable cushion. None of them meant much to me, but they were consistently there. It's good to be put out of that, because my friend group is as tight and strong as its ever been and I love it. No one is there to make me doubt myself, no one is there to put me down. They're capable of being firm, honest and loving all at once. No jealousy, resentment or gas lighting. I'm as supported as I've ever been and it feels nice, and it couldn't have come at a better time. I'm purging myself of the toxicity that ruled me for years.
That said, I do miss Kole. Of course. There are tons of things I ache for. His warm and familiar hand in mine, his tousled hair as he sleeps, back rubs, watching "our shows", talking about hockey, all the laughter and insanity. Our love. But familiarity and comfort isn't always synonymous with happiness and contentment. My heart longs to make connections with people I've never even met. The reason this has even happened is because I know that I need to close a door on a relationship that's been lingering in the background for 5 years. I can't move forward without figuring it out. It's just how I am. I couldn't have kept going like this for much longer, knowing that this needed to be dealt with.
I don't know, I guess I just hope that at the end of this, if there is an end, there's forgiveness waiting. I have hope that we can forgive and finally end on a really good note of love, friendship and compassion.